Some people say I tell bad jokes, but I don’t understand why…

“I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?” – Jimmy Carr

“Someone sneaked a spoon into work today, It caused quite a stir.”

“I was in a pub last night.Went to get a pint and instead of the usual nuts in a dish there was a steaming turd on a tray.  It was a bar stool.”

There are only 10 types of people in the world.  Those that understand binary and those who don’t.

I’ve got a fear of two-letter words. I get scared just thinking about it.

Whenever I’m bored, I like to think about people with their hands in their pockets falling over.

I’ve just gone into the bedroom and someone’s stolen my bed. Honestly. I’m not lying.

Have you ever wondered how stupid a balloon seller feels in the high street when he’s down to his last balloon?

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

A charity pantomime to raise awareness for schizophrenics and homophobia went into chaos last night when someone shouted “he’s behind you!”

I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust.

A wood worm goes into a pub and asks “Is the bar tender here…?”